Monday, January 25, 2010

Shark vs. Octopus

For some reason, despite their obvious wretchedness, I constantly find myself watching the 'original' movies on the Syfy channel. (Don't get me started on the retardedness of that name.) But the films they create are often quite humorous, whether intentionally or not is beside the point. I often think about what it would be like writing a Syfy Original Movie. Do you come up with a fabulous title first then go from there? Or do you think of what would make a great commercial/trailer that can be played at every commercial break between reruns of Battlestar Galactica.

"In a time when the Nazi regime was at its most desperate, Adolf Hitler devised a plan so insidious, so diabolical, that it could change humanity forever. From the makers of Mansquito, comes a film of genetic engineering gone wrong. The scientists of the Third Reich plan to finally take control of humankind by deploying a disease upon man that will change the tide of the war. They will give everyone ADHD. From Syfy Original Pictures comes...Hitlerning Disorder!...This summer, nothing will get done."
So where do these brilliant writers get their fantastic and seemingly untapped ideas? Well while watching a recent film I began to wonder if it was possible that they could now be getting their ideas from youtube! I give you Shark vs. Octopus:

Now I can just picture Syfy execs having a meeting with the writers and they deliver the pitch for a film based on this very youtube video. The execs would look curious but unsold. Til one interjects, "okay you can make it, but the creatures have to be huge! And I mean huge! I want that shark capable of taking down a...err I dunno, a 747!" The writers smile and nod eagerly.
Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus is born!!

Now ok, I will admit this isn't actually a Syfy movie, and I am just picking on the channel. (It deserves it for cancelling Atlantis.) But this movie could easily exist among all the other great films the channel has churned out in recent years. I am all for B-grade scifi. Hell, half of my 2000 dvd collection will attest to that. But I must contest that there are limits to what should even appear in a B-grade film. There are a few things that everyone should have however:
-Terrible Dialogue: "Hmm where there's blood...there's bound to be more blood."
-Low cost actors: When was the last time we saw or even cared about Lorenzo Lamas.
-Weak Science: "Increase the Flash Gordon noises and put more science stuff around."
-Epic, yet ridiculous endings: I just witnessed a shark bite the Golden Gate Bridge in half.
Now I am not going to actually review this film here. I merely wished to bring it to the attention of the public. Am I suggesting that anyone actually sit down and watch it? No. Well unless you have the sort of masochistic film watching tendencies as I do. It is certainly laughable and riffable to be sure. This is camp for the sake of camp. And so given the right atmosphere, this could be the perfect cheesy movie night film. Atleast it has one great thing going for it. Giant destruction inducing tentacles. I think there is a shark in there somewhere too.


Nathan said...

this is what about leaving me speechless lol

Thomas said...

Good laugh indeed. Tentacles!

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